


dear dan (i love you)

by cityscaped (touchofgold)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: First Love, Letters, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:38:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5876416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touchofgold/pseuds/cityscaped
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2022, a wedding and a letter saying 'I love you'</p><p>(first fic of 2016!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	dear dan (i love you)

**Author's Note:**

> ironicllyphan.tumblr.com

_June 14, 2022_

The afternoon sun poured into the living room of the apartment, sending scattered rays of sunlight onto the carpeted floor. There is a mess of wedding invitations scattered on the floor, rejected copies of place cards and scratched out guest lists and seat placings. ‘Weddings are such a mess.’ Phil thought to himself, chewing on a pencil. He was to prepare a speech for tomorrow, yet, he couldn’t bring himself to write anything down.

He rested his head against the sofa, staring up at the pictures in frames on the mantlepiece. Over the years, they have taken up the habit of framing memorable photographs. The ampersand symbol still sat on their shelf, still in mint condition with the bulbs setting a moody scene in their apartment. There were a few missing DVDs from the alphabetical order of DVDs but nobody minds- it’s not like Phil even watched movies these days.

A pen and paper sat in his lap, and his phone by the side in case he needed more space to write more. Phil often reverted back to old fashioned ways of doing things, it was simply just how he was. He loved writing on pen and paper, feeling the smoothness of the pen gliding over the paper. Although he would much rather be typing away on his phone or his laptop, he always felt more comfortable with traditional ways. 

~~_Never in a million years did I think I would be standing here today making this speech_ ~~

_‘_ Too cheesy!’ Phil thought, striking through aggressively on the paper until it made holes. Phil sighed loudly, burying his face in his palms. Why was it so stressful to write the simplest of speeches? He didn’t go through university to get an English degree to be stuck at a simple wedding speech!

Getting up from his spot from the sofa, Phil walked to the kitchen, carefully avoiding the cracked tile to make himself a mug of coffee. It was going to be a long day, that will most likely drag on to become a long night. He’s going to need all the caffeine his body can take. Then again, he needs to look presentable tomorrow morning at the cathedral, so he needed to take it slow with the coffee.

After making himself a steaming mug of coffee, Phil walked to the sofa and pulled out a fresh piece of paper. This time, he decided not to let anything stop him.

 

***** 

 **_Dear Dan_ ** _,_

 

I have loved you since 2009. Do you remember our 2009 days? You training up to Manchester and me coming down to see you? Remember the first time we met at the train station? God I was so jumpy! I was all over you, biting you, because I was just so excited. I know you have heard all this before, but I don’t think you’ve ever heard this.

From the moment you tweeted me first, I knew there was something special about you Dan Howell. It was something about your brown hair and beautiful brown eyes that seemed to have entranced me. Sure you were eighteen and I was twenty-two but that age doesn’t really make a difference now does it?

Remember when we went into the Apple Store for a picture on Dailybooth? I still have that picture saved and kept safely in a special place. It holds a very special place in my heart. And don’t forget all the Skype calls we’ve had, to over four hours even :3 Remember using emoticons like those? Rawr. This has gotten off to a very cringe-y beginning but, **_bear_** with me. 

2009 was the beginning of what I assumed, was a friendship and a relationship. I remember the way your lips tasted when you first kissed me in the Big Wheel. My heart did that flippy over thing and it never really done that before. You kissed me like I was the only person that ever mattered to you. And when I kissed you back, you didn’t pull away, which only made my love for you grow fonder.

I remember when you made your first video. I was so proud of you. The fact that you never stopped making videos is probably the reason why Dan and Phil exists today.

Flash forward to 2012 and it seemed like overnight we became this ‘Dan and Phil’. Even our fans started getting creative with the shipping, such as ‘phan’. But, I hate to admit this Dan but that was one of my least favourite years. You and I grew apart, you started taking the ‘shipping’ thing even more seriously and you decided that it was going to be ‘Dan’ and ‘Phil’. What happened to all the midnight snuggling and talking about our dreams? What happened to always being there for each other?

Honestly, our relationship was on tether hooks at that time. You claimed that it was never real and I burst out crying in the apartment. The neighbours were probably thinking we’ve lost our shit or something. But then, I remembered that night vividly. How you snuck into my room at half past midnight. How you slipped under the covers and slipped your hand into mine. How you squeezed my hand ever so gently, muttering sweet apologies into my ear. But how many times did that happen before we finally got our shit together? Too many times.

2013 saved us. I hate to say it but it seemed that you had matured from this young boy into this man who couldn’t care less about the shipping but instead focus on what you had to do and plans for the future. You began talking about this grand idea of a book, and I remembered how big of a project it sounded when you first thought about it. At that time, we were already juggling two jobs: full time YouTubers and Radio 1 presenters. I thought you were insane for thinking of writing a book, but nevertheless, the idea seemed to have passed.

2013 passed in a blur, I don’t recall much from that yea. Maybe it was because it was a long time since we’ve both been happy - you dropping out of university, your existential crisis, our relationship. It must’ve been one of the wildest years of my life. I remembered all the festivals we went to, all the people we have met. And all because you didn’t give up on me that one fateful night in 2012.

Now we have to go back a little. I remember, towards the end of 2012, a week before New Years. We were both of tether hooks. There was too much tension in one household and I was the first to slice it. I had never been too good at keeping in my emotions, which was probably the reason why I was able to kiss you back so quickly. I yelled and I cried. But you were always there at the end of everything to put me back together. I never understood why you did what you did, but now I do.

I was the jigsaw puzzle, I fitted perfectly but tip me over and I fall to pieces.

You were the glue who often made a sticky situation out of everything, but when you and I came together, it was the perfect mess.

You put all the broken pieces of me back together, just like how I fixed yours.

I think by far 2014 and 2015 were my favourite years. You sparked the idea of the book again, halfway through a match of Mario Kart (where I still believe I beat you despite the all or nothing). We had a gaming channel together and even had a Sims son. By far, that was one of the best years of my life. My best memory of 2015 was touring the UK with you Dan. I never thought in a million years would I ever do that with you. Tell that to 22 year old Phil in 2009 and he’d probably laugh in your face.

It is still such a phenomenal experience. Sneaky kisses in between costume changes and in the ‘tour bus’ itself. We’ve met so many of our fans, whom their lives has been changed because of us. Imagine that!

Now, I sit in our apartment, alone with the lights out, writing this sappy letter to say the three words that I have always wanted to say to you, but I never had the courage to say it properly. It was always rushed, always in between kisses or an empty promise, just to fulfil this need within me to say it.

Dear Dan, _I love you_.

 

*****

Instead of tearing up the paper as he did, instead, he folded it carefully, slipping it into a pure white envelope. Carefully in a gel pen, he wrote his name on the top of the letter, with no return address or stamp. He slipped in a small pressed acacia flower into the envelope, a sweet smell engulfing the letter.

_June 15, 2022_

Phil liked churches, especially when he was younger. Now, standing at the altar, after years of watching his aunts and uncles get married, he was finally here. The ceremony had already begun, and he was too busy staring down at Dan’s feet. How could he make eye contact when he was the most nervous-est person?! He knew that if he looked into those hazel orbs, he would jump all over Dan and kiss the life out of him. But he had to resist that urge, just for a little while longer.

“The rings please.” the priest asked. A small little boy dressed in a dapper whit tux handed the gold bands over on a velvet cushion. “And by the power vested in me I now pronounce you …”

The reception began almost instantly after the church ceremony. Sure they had to take multiple pictures and get covered in a lot of confetti, but Phil looked forward to the reception ceremony.

Reaching at the venue an hour earlier than most guests to arrive, Phil was left in charge to check up on all the place cards and everything in between. He walked over to the main table and stared at the place cards sadly. Looking down at the invitation he had in his hand, he couldn’t help but crumple it up in his palm. Why was he so stupid all those years ago? Why couldn’t he just man up and tell him how he felt? Instead now he had to watch Dan kiss another person, who was not him.

He glanced longingly at the place cards, which he wished read Dan Howell and Phil Lester but instead, it read another name. Dan Howell and Lily Fray.

The tears pricked in his eyes but he let them all flow. He wasn’t wearing any makeup anyways. Besides, the tears would add emphasis to the letter he was about to leave on Dan’s plate.

He was too proud to pass Dan the letter himself, and even prouder to watch him kiss another woman and marry her. But he would let him, because he loved Dan too much to hurt him. He would never wreck a marriage, especially a newly wed. Walking to the place cards, he set the letter on Dan’s plate, holding it down with a fork. He left the venue quickly.

Standing at the pavement, he glanced nervously at the road, praying that nobody had seen him slip in and out. But of course, Dan had to catch him at them most inappropriate moments.

“Phil! Where you headed?” Dan asked cheerfully, with PJ, Chris and a few others by him. “You missed a hell of a party!”

“I wasn’t feeling like it.” Phil shrugged, trying to step away from Dan.

“We’ve been best friends for like what, 13 years. You can tell me anything.” Dan said cheerily, patting his friend’s back. Phil flinched and Dan knew something was wrong with his best friend. They went to a quieter area outside the venue.

“Dan, this is probably the worst time to do this, because it’s your wedding day and I don’t want to ruin it.” Phil began. Dan’s cheerful demeanour dropped, he knew where this was leading.

“Phil…” He began softly.

“No Dan, I need to get this out. I can never live my life after without telling you this.” Phil stopped him short. “Dan, I love you.” Phil confessed.

Dan knew that those three words were going to tumble out of Phil’s mouth but he had lived with years of unrequited love to know that Phil was still not over it. “Phil, I..”

Phil stopped him again. “Better not to say anything.” he sighed. “I’ll just be on my way. It’s better for me, and you.”

Dan sighed and pulled Phil closer to him. “Well if that’s what you think, one last time couldn’t hurt right?”

Their lips met and both their hearts did that flippy over thing again.

**Author's Note:**

> righhhhhhhhhht so what did you guys think? i hope you guys like it because yet again, just like flower tattoos, this was a one go thing! i prefer writing fics one go because it's so much easier than writing halfway and forgetting it. hope you all enjoy, this is my first fic of 2016 yay!


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